“Exceptional Tactics”, General Reginald Dyer Tells Coconut Co-Partners

A letter from General Dyer to the Current Viceroy

Dear Sir,

May I congratulate you on the spectacular militarization of the National Capital that you have managed? You have them where you want them – trapped within the barricades and squirming, just like I did in Jallianwala Bagh! However in the world did you manage that! I commend your fantastic strategies that have shut their mouths before they can scream. You Sir, are a marvel! Your conduct during the recent Pro-Democracy youth uprisings in the national capital has been exceptional in every sense of the word. Protecting your Raj using the latest technologies! Oh, you are truly carrying on the tradition I set, old boy!

I must admit the recent revelation of the Election Chief seen zoning his co-workers landed you guys in a bit of a pickle, but no worries old chap, our Newspaper Act of 1931 will come to your rescue! You’re doing a splendid job of creating Fake News and jamming a few internet towers. Good move on banning BitChat! Bluetooth threatens the security and sovereignty of the nation-state, I say!

Your handling of the July Anti-Exam Leak protests were truly inspiring. To see tear gas, lathi charging, brutal belting with nail-toothed lathis and smoke bombs on the streets of Delhi remind me fondly of how I dealt with these pests! I understand many of the tear gas cannister shells were expired. Were they perchance from the 1927 batch we left behind?

Oh old boy, I so enjoy this spectacle! You created an emergency, without declaring one! What a masterstroke! Shutting down the railways, metro stations, blaring police announcements, pre-detention of journalists, students, trade union leaders, student activists and at least one aspiring DJ! Oh, and your vampires hounding a 15-year-old girl till she apologized, blaring psychological damage to all young rebellious women – simply superb! The persistent groping, manhandling, assaulting, grabbing, slapping, punching, kicking, stabbing, tearing of clothes, sexual assaulting of journalists and women along with the disappearing of female student leaders and youth activists by uniformed men paid for by taxpayers in the World’s Largest Democracy is truly spectacular. To see the tactics and violence of the colonial police being replicated by the Delhi police just show that you have truly learnt the lessons of the !

The 40,000+ Delhi Personnel, Rapid Action Force, CRPF, CISF and all the acronyms upholding the rusting state peripheries airlifted into the heart of the National Capital only speaks to your dedication! Just continue beating up kids who dream of such fantastical concepts such as “leak-proof elections” and “democratic norms”. Ha!  How long will they keep making these silly reels and document how the Delhi police bravely manhandles teenagers and youth, clawing at the clothes and skin of young Indians audacious enough to dream of a democratic order!

As a Brigadier in colonial India where only 3% Indians could vote, I must say the Special Intensive Revision process is a brilliant masterstroke of election engineering! You indeed are a Veeshwagooroo – hacking at the heart of democratic institutions in the country. 130 million voters yeeted out of the ballot box! What’s more devious than withholding the right to vote? Muslims, Dalits, OBCs – out in one stroke! You deserve an OBE my boy!

Purging the voter rolls so only true Bharatians vote. Just what your Guru said in “Bunch of Thoughts” right there in Chapter XII: Internal Threats: Muslims, Christians and Communists will only hinder the stability and growth of the Hindu Rashtra. You, his true successor, are creating a glorious Akhand Bharat. These pesky teenagers protesting in Jantar Mantar for fantasies like “democracy” and “free elections” be damned!

And what a friend you are! The replacement of the grouchy Supreme Court Chief Justice with one of your own pals to select the Election Chief and granting him divine immunity from all acts committed truly speak of the kind of friendship we are envious of. God save the queen and her loyal stooges! Indeed it is of the highest rationality that the eminent lordships of the judicial courts to be expected to execute unbiased verdicts when they know they’ll get slotted into the next casino lottery spot that opens up in the Senior Members chamber of the Indian Parliament. Tremendous!

From the Butcher of Amritsar to the Butcher of Bharat: you are doing a phenomenal job using the state machinery to bleed, shock and choke these buggers –  all funded by the Bahujan’s own GST taxes from biscuits and washing powder.

You sir, have successfully taken over the reins – the British Raj is drenched in tears of happiness and expired-chilli-gas at its energetic, imaginative and incel child left behind in the Subcontinent. Goodluck and Godspeed.