“Exceptional Tactics”, General Reginald Dyer Tells Coconut Co-Partners

A letter from General Dyer to the Current Viceroy

Dear Sir,

May I congratulate you on the spectacular militarization of the National Capital? You have them where you want them – trapped within the barricades and squirming, just like I did in Jallianwala Bagh. Oh, you are truly carrying on the tradition I set, old boy!

Your handling of the July Anti-Exam Leak protests was inspiring. To see tear gas, lathi charging, a brutal belting with nail-toothed lathis and smoke bombs on the streets of Delhi reminded me of how I dealt with these pests! I understand many of the tear gas cannister shells were expired. Were they perchance from the 1927 batch we left behind?

Your goons hounding a 15-year-old girl till she apologized, scared all young rebellious women in one fell stroke. Glad to see you continue with these tactics in the current pro-Democracy, anti-Gyanu protests. The persistent groping, manhandling, assaulting, grabbing, slapping, punching, kicking, stabbing, tearing of clothes, sexual assaulting of journalists and women along with the disappearing of female student leaders and youth activists — all done by uniformed men paid for by taxpayers in the World’s Largest Democracy is truly spectacular. The violence of your policemen and women makes me feel like we never left.

Deploying 40,000 Delhi Personnel, Rapid Action Force, CRPF, CISF and some other acronyms to beat up these vermin who dream of such fantastical concepts like “leak-proof elections” and “democratic norms” was good foresight, old chap. Shutting down railways, metro stations, jumping into air planes to grab Inquilabis, kidnapping these silly YouTubers, the pre-detention of  journalists, student activists and trade union leaders was indeed a masterstroke. I commend your fantastic strategies that shut their mouths before they can scream. How long will they keep making these silly reels and insisting on a democratic order!

I must admit the recent revelation of the Election Chief seen zoning his co-workers landed you guys in a bit of a pickle, but I must say, what a friend you are! Just the right sort of pal to have in your corner if one has done a tiny bit of election fraud. As a Brigadier in colonial India where only 3% Indians could vote, I must say the Special Intensive Revision process is a brilliant masterstroke of election engineering. You indeed are a Veeshwagooroo – hacking at the heart of democratic institutions in the country. To purge the voter rolls so only true Bharatians vote, like your Guru said in “Bunch of Thoughts”, right there in Chapter XII: Internal Threats: Muslims, Christians and Communists will only hinder the stability and growth of the Hindu Rashtra. You, his true successor, are creating a glorious Akhand Bharat. 130 million voters yeeted out of the ballot box! What’s more devious than withholding the right to vote? Muslims, Dalits, OBCs – out in one stroke. You deserve an OBE my boy!

From the Butcher of Amritsar to the Butcher of Bharat: you are doing a phenomenal job using the state machinery to bleed, shock and choke these buggers –  all funded by the Bahujan’s own GST taxes from biscuits and washing powder.

You sir, have successfully taken over the reins – the British Raj is drenched in tears of happiness and expired-chilli-gas at its energetic, imaginative and incel child left behind in the Subcontinent.

Good luck and Godspeed!