On Valentine’s Day Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and U.S. President Donald Trump rekindled their blossoming bromance during Modi’s recent visit to the United States, leaving the world both confused and mildly nauseated. As PM Modi landed in a luxury full-security Air India One plane, he had just missed a flight that took off from the Land of the Free deporting Indian immigrants in chains, making them take off turbans and mentally torturing them. 

The Supreme Leader was on the way to meet the same person who oversaw the recent spate of international deportations to please his anti-immigrant voter base. President Trump welcomed him into his warm orange embrace saying, “I love Modi. He knows how to make a good deal. Just like how he was able to slip into a country that banned him just a decade ago” as Trump greenlit another plane of Indian immigrants to be inhumanely deported to Chandigarh. 

[pms-restrict]

The visit, ostensibly to discuss “global issues” and “economic cooperation,” quickly devolved into a spectacle of mutual admiration, questionable handshakes, hearts beating with unspoken desire, and a palpable tension one could slice with a butter knife. “Mitroooon, AI is not Artificial Intelligence. AI is America and India. That’s why instead of asking ChatGPT what I should do with my country’s economic policy, I just ask the United States Empire,” PM Modi told reporters, as another American conglomerate opened mining operations in Jharkhand by displacing indigenous Adivasi villages. 

On Valentine’s, the power couple spent the day with chocolate strawberries and talking about buying F35s which India, like a middle-aged South Bombay woman doing retail therapy at a DLF mall, could finally lay hands on a bunch of aging, expensive, hard-to-maintain outdated military weapon that even Musk was tired of. But something had to be done so that Trump did not hit the Mother of Democracy with sanctions like it did to Canada and Mexico. After all, the U.S. could well rename the Indian Ocean to the American Ocean and put another Trump Tower in Lakshadweep. 

But it was not all butterflies and roses. PM Modi also came face to face with one of his greatest enemies: a slightly Free-er Press that asked some actual questions—causing him to break into a sweat, looking into the eyes of his dear comrade President Trump to save him. In a response to a question about the concerning closeness between Adani—India’s Unofficial Finance Minister—and the Modi government, PM Modi evaded all answers instead stating that it was a ‘personal matter’ that was not to be brought up during a foreign visit, especially not when in front of Trumpji, who PM Modi has been trying to court for years. 

“Modi is a great guy, a tremendous guy,” Trump reportedly said, while Modi responded by calling Trump “a true friend of India” and “a visionary leader.” Critics quickly pointed out that the only vision Trump has ever had is seeing his name in gold letters on buildings while Modi’s vision seems to involve bulldozing dissent and rewriting history textbooks. 

In a heartfelt exchange, Trump told PM Modi, “You have inspired me, Modiji. I saw the Sengol you installed in your new parliament last year. The staff was so big and so girthy, and you held it with such a firm grip. I wish I could turn my Mar-a-Lago into the US Congress. Then I can finally unveil my own gold staff, which is the biggest, greatest staff anyone will have ever seen.” 

Unfortunately, their Valentine’s date was crashed by the world’s richest man and #1 Free Speech absolutist, Elon Musk, to whom PM Modi is forever indebted for removing the BBC documentary on Modi’s complicity in the 2002 Gujarat Anti-Muslim Pogrom from X (then Twitter). 

“Thank you, beta. In return, I’ll make sure Tesla factories can be opened in Gujarat and that you can evade all labor laws and environment regulations,” PM Modi was quoted saying as he gave one of Elon Musk’s children a clay model of a Vande Bharat train, with a SpaceX logo, hinting at plans to privatize India’s railway, and opening it to the throbbing efficiency of Musk’s obsession with the Hyperloop. 

“Will I see you soon, Trumpji?” Modi exclaimed as he bid adieu to Trump and the United States of Amerikkka. Trump wiped a glistening tear and said, “Yes, my dear Modi. We are always connected like the sunflower that always faces the sun or the bricks that the US Sangh Diasphora sent to your little pet project of a temple built on a demolished mosque. Our tale will be told for centuries. Two great leaders of two great nations, marching hand-in-hand—nay, chest-on-chest—toward a great Aryan future.” 

Just as Modi left the gripping embrace of the US President, he saw Trumpji’s phone flashing—a call from Vladimir Putin.

A despondent Modi climbed up the steps of Air India One, only one thing on his mind: did Trump really care about him the way he cared about Trump? He thought he was Trump’s one and only authoritarian, and yet Trump had Elon Musk by his side and Putin on hold. He had been looking forward to this Valentine’s Day all year long and he barely got to spend any alone time with the Global Commander in Chief. 

If only Trumpji knew that he did not just command the largest military on earth, but also the beating heart of the leader of the world’s largest democracy. But Modi, ever the optimist, knew their story had not concluded. He would show Trumpji that he meant business—not just by slashing the tax on Harley Davidson bikes from 100% to 30%, but by using India’s fast-approaching Independence Day to put on the most romantic date night he could so that Akhand Bharat and the American Empire might finally become one.

[/pms-restrict]