Lakshadweep, India – In a surprising crossover between foreign policy and prestige television, Prime Minister Narendra Modi has officially invited HBO to shoot the next season of The White Lotus in the idyllic, strategically located islands of Lakshadweep. “I have seen the show. Very insightful. India is the best place to host the next season for a show about elites sunbathing on beachside resorts created atop the lands of indigenous people while the country burns”, said Modi, adjusting his trademark half-sleeve kurta while posing with a coral reef for a potential Emmy campaign. “Besides, I love lotuses, they’re like, my whole thing.”

The invitation comes after Modi’s signature “One Nation, One Island Destination” campaign, where he pushed for Lakshadweep to be the next Maldives. “Of course, there is the slight issue of Lakshadweep being 93% Muslim-majority, but hey, as long as they’re servicing savarna elites taking a break from exploiting Bahujans in Mainland India, it should be fine,” the Union Minister for Tourism, Shri Gajendra Singh Shekhawat, said here earlier today.

Writers handpicked by Modi have reached out to The White Lotus creator, Mike White, with the following concept: 

The show is set to feature a billionaire couple with The Royal Prince frolicking in the waves while his dad’s company buys up Muslim land using the recently passed Waqf Amendment bill. Another traveler-character would be an NRI Savarna Millennial woman in the search for inner peace, which she finds by going around the island promoting vegetarianism and partaking in gaumutra cleansing treatments; a retired army general running from his memories of perpetrating violence in Kashmir, and an undercover journalist who is tailing The Royal Prince and his bodyguard’s side quest to sneak out Lakshadweep corals and wildlife to The Royal Prince’s billionaire pet zoo. 

The series begins with a boat ride from the Cochin Port where an ultra-luxury yacht takes our esteemed guests to their White Lotus resort at Bangaram Island, where local islanders put on a cultural show that Savarna elite guests can later upload on their Instagram stories to show the “Indian cultures” that they are complicit in destroying, complete with background sufi music. 

Obsessed with banning beef and removing meat from the school mid-day meal scheme, diverting trade away from Kerala to to Kartnaka and Gujarat away from Kerala, and trying to encroach on the land of indigenous tribal communities to give to resort conglomerates, the Governor plans to use The White Lotus as a place to bring forth a new ‘Viksit Wanderlust Bharat’ campaign.

The only beef allowed in the series will be the one between a rich Russian tourist and the hotel manager, who engage in a cathartic queer romance before the former runs away to Goa to feel more at home.

White Sands, Dark Plots

According to the Sanghi writers, a group of Maldivian social media influencers then tries to infiltrate the hotel and create a bad image of Lakshadweep, local protests against rising Hindu Nationalist policies erupt because RSS karsevaks want The White Lotus to be renamed as The Saffron Lotus, and the island is plunged into a drinking water crisis. 

A group of leftist college graduates from Ashoka are on a college trip that spirals into an existential quandary where they reflect on the need for revolution while sipping Martinis on beach land stolen from a Muslim family. The Royal Prince ultimately comes to the rescue, and declares that the entire archipelago will now be placed under the newly-launched Reliance Resorts Ltd., with a bridge from Jamnagar to Kavaratti. 

The resort guests have a fine time exploring the island and dipping in its crystal clear waters until they return on the 4th day and find that a local environmentalist, protesting the resort’s beach encroachment of a turtle hatching site, is found dead inside the hotel. Panic spreads and fingers are pointed; was it the NRI Savarna woman who saw the environmentalist eating beef biryani, the Maldivian influencers, or the billionaire’s bodyguard who was caught lifting turtle eggs to make a quick buck on the dark web? 

The plot thickens as the Ashoka students make it their sworn duty to bring justice and form a detective team, only to end up blaming each other because all of their parents work at Reliance Resorts Ltd. 

“We thought this was a great setting for the characters to explore themes of guilt, wealth, and the slow erasure of indigenous communities,” said the show’s creator, Mike White. “All while we make a quick buck for HBO on promoting resort destinations and humanizing Empire, so that the global elite can vacation in remote islands to escape from tax fraud because they’re ‘just like us’”, he said, taking a sip from a coconut handed to him by a 14-year-old former fisherboy recently employed by the resort as a ‘Cultural Concierge.’ 

Mike White was also especially happy to finally work on a season that features “brown on brown violence,” instead of the perpetrators being white. “It’s a great step for diversity and representation,” he said. 

Not Too Much White Lotus-y

The government, meanwhile, has launched a campaign called #WhiteLotusForViksitBharat, showcasing aerial drone shots of Modi meditating on a paddleboard, while cinephiles are already speculating on whether The White Lotus: Lakshadweep will be allowed to show characters discussing caste, politics, or voting rights without being labelled “anti-national” and banned. 

In response, the Information & Broadcasting Ministry has clarified that only the satirical parts of the satire will be allowed, only after a committee of nine retired bureaucrats, one WhatsApp group, and a random uncle from Nagpur has reviewed the script. 

Nudity, sex, and uncomfortable topics are likely to be avoided. 

Mike White said, “We were going to explore imperialism, spiritual tourism, and identity erasure—but then we got offered tax breaks, military protection, and a meeting with Kangana Ranaut. We caved.” 

The stellar cast is set to include Fahad Fasil, Kangana Ranaut, Timothee Chalamet, Dwayne Johnson, Alia Bhatt, Khushi Kapoor, Vedang Raina, Sai Pallavi, Benedict Cumberbatch, Suhana Khan, and Darshana Rajendran. 

Final Scene: The Prince, Alone on a Floating Helipad

The season reportedly ends with The Royal Prince alone on a floating helipad, whispering, “Am I the lota or the lotus?” as his wife jets off to Davos to launch Sanatana Skincare for Inner Peace. 

The island sinks slightly due to coral reef bleaching, and the environmentalist’s death goes unregistered, with a quick exchange of a suitcase full of cash. Still, no one notices because the drone shot is breathtaking. 

Everyone’s already pumped for the next season, which is planned to be shot in a quaint forest resort in Kashmir, where the series’ fans can binge-watch while feeling validated that their angst against capitalism at least makes it to their laptop screens, instead of to the streets.